Bagging 101

I spent $245 at the grocery store today. After 5 days of stomach flu, in which I have no idea what the family ate, and 5 days of being out of town, in which I am pretty sure they ate what I left for them, the cupboards were bare. Except for some Claritin and a tube of toothpaste, everything in my cart was edible. Epic shopping. Cart overflow.

My grocery shopping trips usually come in the $130 to $180 range. That is about 5-8 reusable shopping bags worth, depending on the skill of the bagger. Given you can put 4 bags in the bottom of the cart, one on the leading edge tray and 2 in the child seat, I can usually get away with no bag stacking. This is strangely very important to me. Quite frankly, I am bagging sensitive. If there was a behavioral spectrum of bagging sensitivity, I would be off the chart. I make grown baggers cry.

I knew I was in trouble today when the items in my cart started creeping above the rim. The milk was in the underbelly. A bagging nightmare.

You see, I don't like my veggies squished. I spend a lot on fresh veggies, some of it organic. When I get home to smashed tomatoes or bruised bananas, it makes me very angry! During the summer when peaches, nectarines and plums are in season, I get nervous to the point of shakes. "DON'T SMASH THE PRODUCE" I want to yell. But I don't. I try to be nice. I try.

Why is it that the entire success of a grocery procurement process depends on the lowest paid person in the store? Conveyer belt micro-management, this is my coping mechanism. Short of just telling the check-out person that I want to bag myself, this is the only way to have some insurance that the heavies are on the bottom.

• Cans, boxes and bottles go first. Everything that can sit in the car a day and will make a nice stable base in the cart. Two cereals, two crackers, some pasta, various beans, salsas and canned tomatoes. Tightly packed! I want a nice solid foundation. Insert 10 inches conveyer break. Maybe 12 inches.

• Next all of the freezer and cold items; ice creams, frozen raspberries and peas, 30 or so yogurts, assorted dairy and maybe a frozen pizza. All of it gets covered up with my special padded cold bag with the zipper. I love that bag! Make sure you can zip it. I like it zipped. Insert another 10-12 inches here.

• Now it gets a little ambiguous, but I like to jump to the meats. Meats usually stack well and make a pretty decent base. Down go the chicken, fish, lunch meats and cheeses, tortillas and assorted leftover cold-ish things. If I only have enough time to bring two bags in the house, I like to know that all my fridge and freezer items are sharing bag space. No rogue sour cream, please!

• At this point, I am going to send down 3 reusable bags and all the fruits and veggies. They are going to be ordered by how likely they are to break a car window when thrown at a distance of 6 feet, by me. Butternut squash, potatoes, apples, onions, garlic, oranges, lemons, limes, zucchini, bell peppers, tomatoes... I wish for them to be distributed evenly, with the most fragile fruits on top. Little tip, lettuce makes nice packing material.

• Of course, there are some items that must be saved for the very end. The usual suspects, eggs and bananas of course. But I like to save boxed berries, chips and all my bread for the end also. They can be distributed on top of the veg. That is fine with me!

• Milk is always last and doesn't get bagged, thank you very much.

I am thinking of becoming an Independent Bagging Consultant. Mandatory classes for new baggers and ones that want to become "certified." There will be PowerPoint presentations and practical lessons. Maybe a healthy snack will be offered. Some day you too could make it home with intact produce. You'll thank me!